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July 8th, 2004

03:27 pm
Today I was walking through the cafeteria by the salad bar when I heard a low-pitched growl to my left: "You stupid fucker carrots turn you orange." And his buddy countered with, "No, they make you see really good."

And I said, "No, they make you live in trees, friends."

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June 12th, 2004

03:11 pm
I'm not actually a squirrel. I just play one on TV.

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June 11th, 2004

04:03 pm - the molecular weight of apples and oranges
i am the only one allowed to post to this community.

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11:34 am - those f*cking gnats
There is a certain kind of gnat that swarms at eye level on warmish days waiting for unsuspecting joggers to run through and breathe in a few. It has recently been discovered that they can only reproduce in the moist, warm air in human lungs. The immature gnats grow inside a human being for up to two days, at which point they leave by the same means that they entered and start the cycle over again.

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June 10th, 2004

07:25 pm - LEO
LOW EARTH ORBIT - Early Thursday morning, an alleged terrorist was stopped by an alert U.S. Customs official. The meteor 2004/J/HAL87 "Big Binkie" was questioned upon entering the atmosphere and his answers "set off alarms in my head," said Deputy Marshal Jeff A. Pinckerton.

The surveillance tape's transcript follows:

Big Binkie: Good morning, sir.

Pinckerton: Hello. I just need to ask you a few formality questions, sir.

Big Binkie: Sure.
Pinckerton: Are you carrying any fruit or vegetables or have you been in an area affected by Foot and Mouth Disease?
Big Binkie: Not sure... where is affected?
Pinckerton: Where are you coming from sir?
Big Binkie: The freezing airless depths of space.
Pinckerton: I see. Well, space isn't officially mentioned in any of the briefs, so I think you're OK there, sir. Now, what's your purpose in visiting Earth?
Big Binkie: Well, business mostly, but also I's visiting some family.
Pinckerton: And where is your family located?
Big Binkie: Tunguska, Wabar, and Rio Cuarto.
Pinckerton: And your business?
Big Binkie: Oh, an extinction level event.
Pinckerton: Hmm... Can I see your papers? *pause* Sir, these are 100 million years out of date!
Big Binkie: Well, shoot.

Big Binkie is currently being held at an undisclosed locations, rumored to be the Guatanamo Bay holding facility.

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03:49 pm - book report
Build It And They Will Come by Jersey Alain Pemberly

This is the heart-wrenching tale of a Midwest farmer taken by the dream of building a 4000 car capacity parking garage on his land. From the beginning the deck is stacked against James "Jimmy Jimbo" Jameson, as his high school rival, Mayor James "We Only Got 300 Cars In The Whole Goddam County" Cartwright opposes his plan and pulls out all the stops to halt the conversion of Jimmy Jimbo's prime grazing land into a the lighted concrete mecca of the modern world. Particularly tear-jerking is the scene in which Jimmy Jimbo, overcome by his failure to that point, tries to commit suicide by jumping from the roof of his barn, only to land in a heap of hay and cow manure.

431 pages, hardcover only, Tonkinville Central Press
Current Music: Where Is Your Past?-The Maddkatt Courtship II-NuRomantix

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May 18th, 2004

02:44 pm - la
Scientists have determined that once the ozone layer holes are sufficient to give everyone an increased risk of skin cancer, only Los Angeles will be safe. That's right, the thick smog layer acts as a local surrogate for the ozone layer. Skin cancer free and proud to be an Angelino!

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April 19th, 2004

07:37 pm - The 1681st Sutra of the Traveler's Boddhisattva, or "Life is Pain"
Legend tells of a time when the Venerable Abbot Laogung-aso of Parwakarma was travelling with his disciple Tosa in the plains of Marokush. One night as they sat by the muddy roadside, watching the shadows lengthen into dusk and with their traditional begging bowls before them, Tosa asked his master, "O Venerable Venerableness, is there nothing that is definite in this world?" Laogung-aso replied, "Ask me again tomorrow; tonight I shall meditate upon the question.

On the second night, Tosa asked again of the Abbot, "O Enlightened Enlightenedness, is there nothing permanent?" Laogung-aso looked at his disciple and replied, "Ask me again tomorrow, the night is the herald of thought."

On the third night, Tosa again set out their begging bowls and turned to the Abbot, "Is there no statement that will stand for all time?" The Abbot thought for a few minutes and replied, "Tosa, any statement with the name of Buddha in it will be true."

Tosa meditated on this and then asked of Laogung-aso, "Even this? This statement does not contain the name of Buddha. Obviously, it must, but that would mean it was true, which isn't."

Laogung-aso, the Venerable Abbot of Parwakarma, pondered this for a while. Eventually, he called Tosa over. Reaching out with his hand, the Abbot took hold of his begging bowl and hit Tosa on the head with it.
Current Mood: workingworking
Current Music: Rock Lobster - The B-52's - The B-52's

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April 8th, 2004

12:14 pm
-i care.

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March 30th, 2004

01:46 am - tales
the incredibly strange tale of the jacobin spider monkeys in alaskaCollapse )
Current Mood: tiredtired

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