December 25th, 2004
|besserby||10:58 pm - FOR SALE: Philippino Family (tm)|
For sale: One Philippino Family
Ever wanted to experience the magic of Christmas and the pounding weight of die-hard Roman Catholicism? Ever wanted to be invited over for a fantastic dinner of coconut curry and prospective marriages? Tired of free will and want to have your mother and grandmother run your life for you? Then, boy, have I got the deal for you!
This Philippino Family (tm) comes with all the parts:
+ A Grandmother who constantly tells you that she'll be dead soon and that you should get married and give her some great-grandchildren so she can die happy. She'll also complain that you don't go to church enough and then, with sad sigh and brave little smile, she'll explain to you how she doesn't want you to go to hell and neither does Jesus.
Bonus: She adores Princess Di and not only believes everything she reads in the National Enquirer but also in the Star, Globe, Sun, and Examiner magazines.
+ A Grandfather who will constantly weave a confusing web of pseudo-lies so you don't know what's true any more. "Your father was an English World War II fighter pilot ace! He's also Adolf Hitler with a facelift! Your uncle isn't your real uncle; he was found under a cowpat." Then he'll stall the car in the middle of the desert at night and pretend he has run out of gas. Oh the fun times you'll have.
Bonus: He can cook great coconut curry and cakes.
+ A Mother with the Southern Californian Expansion. She'll cook huge amounts of food but only let you fill your saucer once "otherwise you'll get fat and get diabetes." She'll misunderstand you and try to get you in touch with your "Southern heritage" by sending you Confederate flag bumperstickers. She'll worry that you are gay and send you various tests to determine this. These will include trees in the mail, margarita mix (more than half tequila and you're ok, under half and she'll cry over the grandchildren she'll never get,) and fondue pots (I'm so glad! I knew you didn't want a fondue pot!") She'll continuously try to introduce you to "nice" girls who are either airheads, distant cousins, or both. You'll get dragged off to Africa and only, once there, realize that you've been set up. "You two young people go off and watch the sunset. You two young people go off and watch the lions eat the zebra."
Bonus: She's got a collection of shoes to rival that of Imelda Marcos.
BONUS. ORDER NOW AND GET A PHILIPPINO UNCLE FOR FREE!
+ A Uncle who served a stint in the Air Force in Japan and managed to flip 2 different cars on the icy roads! He's a bit of a black sheep, having run off to Brazil, divorced his wife from afar, quit his job, and remarried to a Brazilian girl, all in under a month. He'll try to set you up with his new wife's sister at the Philippino Grandmother's behest!
Act now before supplies run out! They'll throw dinner parties with 3 or more priests, at least one of whom is family. The priests will even compete to see who can the best (i.e. longest Grace) and then try to outdo each other by saying an end of the meal Grace. The Philippino will have a family living room and a guest living room, complete with electric organ, karaoke machine, and shiny fake-gold clocks that never tell the right time. Little pieces of Catholic kitsch will decorate endtables next to couches that are permanently enshrouded in sheets to keep the dust off. Even the remote controls (stored next to the fiberoptic swans) will be wrapped in plastic to protect them from grease and dirt.
Get your Philippino Family (tm) today!
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