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the mail lady - facts that aren't true...

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July 19th, 2004

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03:22 pm - the mail lady
(This song sounds like the Lord of The Rings Theme performed on a Japanese harp and bamboo flute.)

For years, the mail lady has tormented my small community. She of the malicious grin would cackle wildly while swerving to run over handballs that strayed into the street. From her little white, steering-wheel-on-the-wrong-side mailvan, she would yell obscenities at old people walking their dogs. Her unsmiling visage would glare down upon those who had the temerity to emerge from the domiciles to get their mail while she was still present. A red light shone in her eyes and she would fling the mail to the ground and stand above it like a conquering Boudicca. When those individuals stooped to pick up their, she would rip the glasses from their faces and grind them beneath her heel. That is, when she didn't force the people to do it themselves for having the gall to be recipients of the Reader's Digest. At the very least, one could expect that she would leave nasty notes on one's mail. Woe betide those who ordered catalogs from Delia's or Abercrombie and Fitch! For them, the punishment known only as the "mail sack."

But no more. No more shall we suffer outrageous indignities beneath her cruel, cold stare in the name of the United States Postal Service. Her USPS chariot will arrive, driving before it with scourges the neighborhood children, but she shall not depart with it.

Why not? For today I have loaded my mailbox with four angered Chihuahuas and liberally scattered banana peels around the mailbox.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Yuzuru-Taikoza-Beginnings

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