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September 10th, 2006

05:01 am - comickry
According to an poll of pi-fourths to the 3rd power times 4000 internet users, the number one webcomic of all time, narrowly beating out "Hot Jeebus Babes" is "Christo-crat vs. the Islamofascists".

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May 24th, 2006

11:22 pm
The great wall of China was built to keep out rabbits.

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May 15th, 2005

04:09 pm
condoms cause more pregnancies than they prevent.

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April 15th, 2005

04:39 pm - The Tale of Two Ply
Once upon a time (to be precise, 2:38 post-meridien June 28th, 1892) when the inventor Colonel James "Killer" Orange-Broomhead, GC, KG, GBE, GCVO, FRS, ARA, MP (Ret.), RN, B.A., B.S., EdD, PhD, JD, BSc (hon.), M.Div., MPhil, BChir, was contemplating the sanitary facilities of his demesne (No. 53 Pickleberry Lane, Chesterfield, Derbyshire, S418AE.)

From his studies he arose and from his study he emerged. He went among the wise people of the house (well, actually the maid, the groom, and an elderly cat named Roger) and inquired of them what the great unhappiness among them was. "For," he said," I have gone among you and have seen the mark of sadness on your faces, not to mention an 11% decrease in work efficiency since this time last year."

First spake the maid, "Sir, we ha' no' the 'appiness to ken whet ye dither." In the manner of Thucydides, I have not the exact words of her speech but they were, without a doubt, similar to what I have presented to the reader, albeit perhaps with a few more glottal stops and other such regional linguistic peculiarities.

Roger's only response to the question was to hack up a hairball.

Killer nodded absently and padded down the line to the next in line. He put the question to the groom, Mr. William Reginald Bakely who responded with the cryptic comment, "You ain't givin' us 'nuff paper, lud."

"Aha!" shouted Killer with glee. "Aha! We shall rectify this most pressing paper problem."

"Alliteration," remarked Roger.

"Nevertheless," Killer said," Tis time to go forth and acquire that which we most lack."

A visit to the Johnson, Bakely, & Chigwell, Mssrs, Purveyors of Dry Goods suggested two solutions; two-ply and three-ply. "Surely," reasoned Killer, "If one is unacceptable, and two is better, then three must be best."

"Burp!" said Roger, as he ate some dry goods.

"Yes, we'll take a box of those as well as your most glorious triple-ply," said Killer to the clerk (Charles Bakely, Jr.) who proceeded to charge the delegation 2d 11/-.

Back at the castle, the three plied paper was installed. The maid said it was "pleasin' as toast, yer Grace excepted, up roun' the widdershins, knick the kicker's bocker, an' Bob's yer uncle." The groom grunted and grumbled but everyone agreed that his grunts and grumbles were happy ones.

Roger, however, caught the lower end of the paper, and started munching happily on it. "Great Scott!" yelled Killer, "By Gum! Tally ho! Freiburg-im-Breisgau! This is not acceptable! Roger, I demand that you not eat the triple ply paper. Roger, I demand you stop hacking. Roger, I demand that you stop choking! Roger, I demand you don't lie there like a dead thing" (for that was what Roger was doing.

After a brief funeral in a shepherd's pie, the unhappy party set forth on a quest to the store to buy a new kitten and two ply paper. Having obtained these and installed them (paper in the water closet and kitten on the lap of the maid,) Killer was moved to write down his memoirs (The Tale of Two Ply, Harcourt and Brace, 4d 12/-, at your local bookseller.)

In the inscription and dedication wrote he, "In memoriam of a damnable fine pie and in recognition of the moral that three ply killed the cat."

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December 25th, 2004

10:58 pm - FOR SALE: Philippino Family (tm)
For sale: One Philippino Family

Ever wanted to experience the magic of Christmas and the pounding weight of die-hard Roman Catholicism? Ever wanted to be invited over for a fantastic dinner of coconut curry and prospective marriages? Tired of free will and want to have your mother and grandmother run your life for you? Then, boy, have I got the deal for you!

This Philippino Family (tm) comes with all the parts:
+ A Grandmother who constantly tells you that she'll be dead soon and that you should get married and give her some great-grandchildren so she can die happy. She'll also complain that you don't go to church enough and then, with sad sigh and brave little smile, she'll explain to you how she doesn't want you to go to hell and neither does Jesus.
Bonus: She adores Princess Di and not only believes everything she reads in the National Enquirer but also in the Star, Globe, Sun, and Examiner magazines.

+ A Grandfather who will constantly weave a confusing web of pseudo-lies so you don't know what's true any more. "Your father was an English World War II fighter pilot ace! He's also Adolf Hitler with a facelift! Your uncle isn't your real uncle; he was found under a cowpat." Then he'll stall the car in the middle of the desert at night and pretend he has run out of gas. Oh the fun times you'll have.
Bonus: He can cook great coconut curry and cakes.

+ A Mother with the Southern Californian Expansion. She'll cook huge amounts of food but only let you fill your saucer once "otherwise you'll get fat and get diabetes." She'll misunderstand you and try to get you in touch with your "Southern heritage" by sending you Confederate flag bumperstickers. She'll worry that you are gay and send you various tests to determine this. These will include trees in the mail, margarita mix (more than half tequila and you're ok, under half and she'll cry over the grandchildren she'll never get,) and fondue pots (I'm so glad! I knew you didn't want a fondue pot!") She'll continuously try to introduce you to "nice" girls who are either airheads, distant cousins, or both. You'll get dragged off to Africa and only, once there, realize that you've been set up. "You two young people go off and watch the sunset. You two young people go off and watch the lions eat the zebra."
Bonus: She's got a collection of shoes to rival that of Imelda Marcos.


+ A Uncle who served a stint in the Air Force in Japan and managed to flip 2 different cars on the icy roads! He's a bit of a black sheep, having run off to Brazil, divorced his wife from afar, quit his job, and remarried to a Brazilian girl, all in under a month. He'll try to set you up with his new wife's sister at the Philippino Grandmother's behest!

Act now before supplies run out! They'll throw dinner parties with 3 or more priests, at least one of whom is family. The priests will even compete to see who can the best (i.e. longest Grace) and then try to outdo each other by saying an end of the meal Grace. The Philippino will have a family living room and a guest living room, complete with electric organ, karaoke machine, and shiny fake-gold clocks that never tell the right time. Little pieces of Catholic kitsch will decorate endtables next to couches that are permanently enshrouded in sheets to keep the dust off. Even the remote controls (stored next to the fiberoptic swans) will be wrapped in plastic to protect them from grease and dirt.

Get your Philippino Family (tm) today!
Current Music: Trigger Hippie - Morcheeba - Who Can You Trust ?

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November 23rd, 2004

05:25 pm - Dolphins and Lesbians
"All lesbians are obsessed with dolphins." -Naomi

Within 45 seconds of uttering this "true fact", it became an "untrue statement" because of the testimony of various people at table. Is it still indeed a stereotype?


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July 20th, 2004

11:39 am
Ha I Win was a famous Chinese General in the 1800s. He was known for his delight in toasting marshmallows.

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07:14 am - emo
The time has at last come for oddfish42 and I to announce our secret project. For a long year and for many a night this summer, we have been writing and jamming with Tristan Davie and Jason A. Porvey to improve our music skills. Now, we're hijacking this community to showcase our first (and probably only) CD, "Steel Flowers In Mud."

If you don't like emo, you're shit out of luck.

1. New Day, Blank Page
2. Half-Drawn
3. The Wrong Way To Nowhere
4. Foundering
5. Rental Life
6. Lost In My Shadow
7. Ambiguous Exit
8. Blue Flicker (Of The TV)
9. Night Lies
10. Someone To Less Than 3
11. Fool's Gold Medal
12. Vicodin

Oh yeah, our name is "We Were Going To Be The Reason But The Reason Already Took It." You'll probably hate it, but you know what? We're used to being hated.
Current Mood: emo-core

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July 19th, 2004

03:22 pm - the mail lady
(This song sounds like the Lord of The Rings Theme performed on a Japanese harp and bamboo flute.)

For years, the mail lady has tormented my small community. She of the malicious grin would cackle wildly while swerving to run over handballs that strayed into the street. From her little white, steering-wheel-on-the-wrong-side mailvan, she would yell obscenities at old people walking their dogs. Her unsmiling visage would glare down upon those who had the temerity to emerge from the domiciles to get their mail while she was still present. A red light shone in her eyes and she would fling the mail to the ground and stand above it like a conquering Boudicca. When those individuals stooped to pick up their, she would rip the glasses from their faces and grind them beneath her heel. That is, when she didn't force the people to do it themselves for having the gall to be recipients of the Reader's Digest. At the very least, one could expect that she would leave nasty notes on one's mail. Woe betide those who ordered catalogs from Delia's or Abercrombie and Fitch! For them, the punishment known only as the "mail sack."

But no more. No more shall we suffer outrageous indignities beneath her cruel, cold stare in the name of the United States Postal Service. Her USPS chariot will arrive, driving before it with scourges the neighborhood children, but she shall not depart with it.

Why not? For today I have loaded my mailbox with four angered Chihuahuas and liberally scattered banana peels around the mailbox.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Yuzuru-Taikoza-Beginnings

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July 9th, 2004

02:31 pm
I have, for the purposes of experimentation, stopped breathing as of Thursday. I am now 16 hours into the experiment and can report that the early stages of not breathing involve a burning sensation in the lungs, anoxia, and a comatose, deathlike state. Tunnel vision is advanced and I think I'm getting a cavity.

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